I seem to come back to my idea over and over again. And my question is always when will I take the plunge. To my mind, I am confident that I will at some point.
With the last few days of hard core thinking, I have managed to zero in on the fact that physical location of SYB will have to be India (still need to do a lot of research for where in India though). Now that I have said it aloud, it feels like the obvious choice. But sometimes the hardest choice is the most obvious one.
I know in the past I have adorned the cold and unaffected mask and said I will never go back. I am not afraid to even say that I was scared at the thought of going back. Scared of the people there. Scared of the thought that day in and day out I may meet people who will tell me they don't care. That they cannot help it. That this is their culture. That not doing things in a certain way is a taboo. That they are helpless. That it is all hopeless. That it is all the government's fault.
I was also scared of the pollution. Will I have to wear a scarf around all the time? Last time I went jogging in the morning I was coughing my lungs out for the rest of my India trip.
I was scared that family and friends will start expecting me to behave in a certain way, and that I will be forced to conform. And that I will be emotionally blackmailed to conform. Not for my sake but for the sake of the few people I still love.
But then again I think, if I haven't learnt to be strong, then what have I learnt in the past years?
I know I still care, and I know I want to make a difference. I also know I can remain frozen within the icekle of pretend ignorance and comfortable life.
The question is when will I choose to melt down and brace myself for the pain. I have to remember that pain is not a bad thing. Pain indicates that I am still alive and still feeling.
Sell Coffee, not your soul
With the last few days of hard core thinking, I have managed to zero in on the fact that physical location of SYB will have to be India (still need to do a lot of research for where in India though). Now that I have said it aloud, it feels like the obvious choice. But sometimes the hardest choice is the most obvious one.
I know in the past I have adorned the cold and unaffected mask and said I will never go back. I am not afraid to even say that I was scared at the thought of going back. Scared of the people there. Scared of the thought that day in and day out I may meet people who will tell me they don't care. That they cannot help it. That this is their culture. That not doing things in a certain way is a taboo. That they are helpless. That it is all hopeless. That it is all the government's fault.
I was also scared of the pollution. Will I have to wear a scarf around all the time? Last time I went jogging in the morning I was coughing my lungs out for the rest of my India trip.
I was scared that family and friends will start expecting me to behave in a certain way, and that I will be forced to conform. And that I will be emotionally blackmailed to conform. Not for my sake but for the sake of the few people I still love.
But then again I think, if I haven't learnt to be strong, then what have I learnt in the past years?
I know I still care, and I know I want to make a difference. I also know I can remain frozen within the icekle of pretend ignorance and comfortable life.
The question is when will I choose to melt down and brace myself for the pain. I have to remember that pain is not a bad thing. Pain indicates that I am still alive and still feeling.
Sell Coffee, not your soul
welcome back!
ReplyDeleteClassic mid-life musings. Mid life crisis is a kind of adolescence. It challenges you to get out there and do something meaningful in life. It's a positive force -- a life affirming itch.
ReplyDeleteI dunno if that's how you see it, but that's how these musings look to me. Been there, done that, and so I know the signs.
Don't mean to sound condescending or anything. So don't get me wrong.
Regards,
Krish
I agree. It is a crisis, and it has to be affirmed.
ReplyDeleteIt's strange how sometimes on the surface so may things look and feel chaotic and complicated but on the inside there is great peace. It is that special brand of peace I am looking for I guess. Not world peace - that is for political leaders and fashion models - but inner peace.